stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
