you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
