I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
