I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
