Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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