My boss' voice literally gives me gas
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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