my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
