This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
did i just pee glitter
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
