For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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