I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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