God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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