D3 body, D1 cock
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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