Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
