Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
