I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
