listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just forgot I was standing up.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
