If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
