Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
