Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
