i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
