I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Mom said you looked used
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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