I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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