Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
40s are totally the cure
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
