Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
