the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
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He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
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My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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