My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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