hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
