Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
