i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Quick, to the slutcave!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
