You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
