Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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