Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
