Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
