allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
