so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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