haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
