Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
