My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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