Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
