I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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