I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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