She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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