Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
