what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
