I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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