that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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