I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
