I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Drunk is not a location!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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