I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
