I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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