Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
