I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
