That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
