Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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