found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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