I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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