i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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