happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
