So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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