yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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