So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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