Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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