Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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