we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
