i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
