Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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