I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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