The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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