I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
