I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
