i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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